Death Café aims to start a conversation

By Alice Waugh

Death, like sex and money, is not usually considered a topic for frank conversation in America. But an event in Lincoln later this month aims to challenge and overcome that reluctance.

St. Anne’s in-the-Fields will host the area’s first Death Café on Sunday, Oct. 19 from 2-4 p.m. Death Café is an international movement started in Europe dedicated to taking death out of the closet and discussing it publicly. The Lincoln event came about after St. Anne’s parishioner Mary Kitsas talked to a friend who had attended a Death Café in Mt. Auburn Cemetery led by Peg Lorenz, a hospice volunteer and home funeral educator who will also facilitate the Death Café at St. Anne’s.

Although in this case it’s being held in a church, Death Cafés do not focus on religion or spirituality, although those topics may come up. Nor is it a bereavement support group meeting or counseling session. Instead, people come together to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death in a relaxed and non-threatening setting.

“It simply opens up a conversation with no strings attached, no agendas and no speakers,” Lorenz said. “Death is still kind of hushed up, and some people are feeling a real need to talk about it. Sometimes people come because they’re just curious about what other people will say. It’s exciting and energetic and often very funny. Some people think it will be morbid and icky, but if you stand out in the hall, you’ll hear laughter in the room.”

At Death Cafés, which are often held in coffee shops or other public spaces, attendees sit at tables and converse in small groups. At the end, they come back together and talk about “what kind of ‘Aha!’ moments you came up with or what struck you at your table,” Lorenz said. Even if they already know some of the other people who are there, attendees are asked to preserve confidentiality by not revealing names when discussing the event afterwards.

Lorenz is on the board of directors of the National Home Funeral Alliance, which helps families who want to stay with and care for their loved one in the home after the person has died rather than surrender him or her to a funeral home before burial or cremation. Lorenz, head of Peaceful Passages at Home, gave a talk on this topic earlier at St. Anne’s and subsequently supported and guided two Lincoln families through home funerals.

The impetus behind it is similar to those for the home birth and hospice movements, which aim to give people more control over life events that used to happen at home among family but nowadays are usually managed out of view by professionals. “We have lost touch with that whole cycle of birth and death,” Lorenz said.

The Death Café is free, but space is limited and preregistration is required. To register online, go to this St. Anne’s web page and click on the registration link.